murder she wrote,

Last night's dream was, for a lack of better description, fucked up.

Alright, it was someone's wedding in this giant house/hotel/wedding reception hall. Everything is going smoothly and I'm running from room to room trying to help with preparations and fulfilling my duties as a bridesmaid. Then we hear warning that my aunt's terrible ex husband is planning to kill her and her sons. We change locations to my Nana's house and ready ourselves for a skilled killer to attack us. There are about 30 of us and yet we are terrified of one guy. We place all the children in the middle of the house behind some trick mirrors. For some reason I am coaching my family on how to find weapons in everyday objects. I start gathering the family and station them in different rooms ready to attack. For some reason my weapons of choice were a broken pool stick and a fork. The killer sends two cronies to check our forces. We beat them down quickly and send them back to him. Later a car races by the house and the guy flips us off so we flip him off right back. We are still preparing and I am making my rounds making sure everyone is in place. Then I see him, at the bottom of the hill with an architectural map of the house. He was plotting ways to plant a bomb in a deadly place. I go down and bring him up to the house by force where I have more backup. I bring him down on his back. He starts laughing like a crazy person, like he was enjoying it! I then stab him in the neck with the fork. I work the fork so it cuts him in a great gash, but nothing that will kill him. That's when I start freaking out, I am calling for my uncle Ector to finish it for me. I can't kill him, I can't finish it. Help someone help me I can't kill a man I can't. Dad, please help me I can't do this by myself. Someone get my dad. Please someone! Then the killer starts laughing at my cowardice, the situation. So he starts rolling back and forth to make the gash bigger and kill himself. He rolls and rolls until basically his head is severed. I am crying crying because I was holding the fork there the whole time, why did I hold it there, why did I keep it there? It's these thoughts that I black out into. The next thing I know I am awake. Walking and awake, why was I walking? Wasn't I asleep? What's going on? Where am I? I am in a grocery store with someone and I am walking beside them holding onto the cart. I ask how long have I not been present. The person shows me. I have been blogging about what happened, with bible scriptures about forgiveness and absolution. I had been blogging for the past 3 weeks. The dream ends me slowly going crazy as I write down what I have been really thinking. I am scribbling down my craziness walking towards a loading plank on a dock when I wake up.

Throughout this dream I wake up periodically and roll around in my bed, kick Stella off of my face, and hopefully get out of the dream, but I never do.

That's all I've got today, and hopefully for a while, I don't like this kind of dream.

**AFTERWORD** This kind of dream literally makes my memory recall dozens of memories of other dreams. Some of them good, but most of the dreams I recall are the painful kind. Bad memories, sticky situations, nightmares, and Jared; that's what I get for dreaming. Constantly living in a world that's not my own, plagued by memories that don't actually exist, but why? It may seem super cool that I dream so vividly, but it's dreams like last night that make me wish I would never remember my dreams. It is honestly mentally exhausting trying to maintain a grasp on reality when there are two realities in my life, dream reality and everyday reality. I'm just tired. Sorry bloggers for the downer today, it's hard to be cheery when you're killing people in your dream.